I wish I were braver

That's how the post read - no context, no explanation. A friend had posted it, but it struck a chord with me.

I wish I were braver.

Because then I could tell her how I was mad about her.

I wish I were braver.

Then I could tell her how I thought she was brilliant.

I wish I were braver.

I could find the words to tell her that she's one of the most intriguing women I've known.

I wish I were braver.

Then I could tell her how beautiful I thought she was.

I wish I were braver.

This heart has been through enough, been trampled too much. It's made me gun shy - afraid of another hit.

So I sit on the periphery, alone in the shadows, wondering if I'm good enough to enter her world.

I'll watch her breeze through, catch the glow of her smile, feel the warmth of her presence, for a few fleeting moments. I'll bury my heart and all of my feelings, way, way down, covered in quips and bravado.

And when she's gone, I'll let those desires surface, and wait for the chance to see her again.

And all the time...always thinking...always thinking that one simple wish...

I wish I were braver.

doubting a belief

I generally don't believe in the kindness of man....been hurt too much by strangers, friends, lovers, etc in the past to cure me of my doubt.

But today, I was told about an act of kindness that makes me want to at least throw out this thanks into the great void,and who knows...it might hit home like the classic message in a bottle.

My son participated in a memorial walk/run this morning at his school. He wanted to walk the three mile course, but was told that the course was for runners only - if he was going to walk, he needed to follow the one mile course.

A little background - my son isn't very athletic and while he has enjoyed playing some sports, his dyspraxia, I believe, has held him back from achieving athletic progress. Running, espescially, has always looked to me to be labored at best.

A few weeks back, he joined some of his schoolmates in training for this memorial walk/run. Not being much of a runner, he found it very difficult but his buddies egged, cajoled, and good naturely bullied/pushed him into completing those training runs.

This morning, he showed up to the race and wanted to join his buddies on the three mile track - but he wanted to walk it. Since he was told only running was allowed, he agreed to run it.

He told me it was tough on him, that he was dead last bringing up the rear the whole time. But, he said what really helped him complete the run, was that one of the football players ran the race with him.

Coaching him the whole time...pushing him to small landmarks in the short distance, slowing the pace and then revving it up in intervals...so that before he knew it...he had completed three miles!!

My god, he was so thrilled he completed the three miles...so proud of himself! He so couldn't wait to tell me about the run that he texted me from his Mom's phone while I was in my car driving to pick him up for the weekend.

When he told me the story of his run, I asked him who the football player was that helped him through the race. That's the part that surprised me, because my son said that he had no idea who he was. He had never met him before...that all he knew was that he was on the football team.

So...whoever you are young man...thank you for making my son's day...thank you for helping him achieve this goal...and thank you for making his old man doubt his belief once again.

I am in your debt.

cures

Ever get into one of those prolonged moods when just nothing is right?

You know, when your bullshit meter is set so low, even your dog would get a sneer in response.

You try exercise, food, alcohol, sex, a hobby – and nothing just snaps you out of it – and the worst is – you don’t give a shit.

And then, out of the blue – somebody comes along and somehow snaps you out of it! They don’t do anything special – they just show up and you do something together.

Have a drink, do an emotional dump, confess to the blues….and then next thing you know….your laughing away – laughing at the same things – and just enjoying the time spent with them.

Yeah, who needs all those other cures – sometimes you just need to spend time with someone you enjoy being around….and it all kinda just drifts away.

And all your left with is the memory of a good time….and a smile.

Sometimes.....the best cure of all is a friend.

what happens in vegas .....

those aren't casino chips in front of me - they're bits of my heart and soul

it's everything that I have and the stack defines me

like the truest gambler, I push the whole stack out and make my bet

let it ride I tell the man, then I turn and walk away

because it's not the win or the loss that is the point

it's making that bet that's really living!

smeared black ink

he looked at his calendar and realized the date

such a bittersweet day coming up for her

the hurt faded as he remembered her smile

he felt sorry that their last meeting was bitter

regretted that his last words were hurtful but true

to be honest he never stopped caring

even as he knew she hated him so

a walk past a flower shop sent his mind reeling

a stirring inside would not leave him alone

the rose, his trademark – white and pure

to show he thought of her on that special sad day

he didn’t give his name for the card

she knew no one else would send her a rose

but it wasn’t enough and the muse came out

he created a poem right there in the shop

it filled three cards just letting her know

how he still cared and thought of her

just deliver it as is he told the man

the poem the flower and forget my name

because if it matters she will know

and if it doesn’t there would be no point

it was delivered and left on the stoop

who knows how long in the rain and snow

did the flower survive to show its bloom

did she read the poem that piece of his soul

or was the flower frozen withered and dead

like the relationship that they once had

was the message that was born from his heart

just simply reduced to smeared black ink

A Tale of Two Ladies

A remark on FB today brought back a rush of sweet memories.

One of those memories was this post from oh so many months ago - thought I would re-post it again:


'Well, I've been here--I'll be back again
But this time really feels like the end...
We rolled out our promises
and they all came up lies
And no one even mentions one more try...'

An off-hand remark and compliment in an email started a correspondence some time ago.

Some phone conversations set off a spark of mutual admiration – common and complementary interests laid the basis for a long distance friendship.

Blogging became a way to stay in touch and in tune – side emails and calls added depth or substance to short posts.

And life went on....family and professional responsibilities, affairs of the heart, affairs of the libido, holidays, economic survival, social duties, etc, etc, etc.

'Why should love be this way?
It lifts you up--
then brings you to your knees...'

She caught on to this – sensed it from reading between the lines – reached out to make sure that I was getting through it. Fun stories, requests for my advice and opinion, and recent tales of adventures on her part always succeeded to buoy my mood and brighten my day. Her encouragement, her support, never wavered.

And life went on ....

'Why won't you stop, and please explain
What makes you think that it's so plain

You tell me--love is just a lie
But tell me--'bout these tears you cry...

Nothing's gonna change my mind
--not now, not ever
And, even if it takes my life
--I'll wait, forever'

Again she knew. She knew my silence, my blogland disappearance, and she reached out to make sure that I was alright. No advice, no platitudes, no philosophy – just an ear if I needed it.

Life went on ....

I took a last stab at it – forever can be pretty fucking lonely!

'So Rosie come out tonight, baby come out tonight
Windows are for cheaters, chimneys for the poor
Closets are for hangers, winners use the door
So use it Rosie, that's what it's there for'

I should have known this only works in the movies or love songs. I needed to shut this door. With that in mind, a road trip was in order. Visit my long distance friend and mend a little. I was excited to see her and to catch up with her life – shut my problems out for awhile.

By a twist of fate, she lives closer to my intended than either live to me. So it was with a heavy heart that I rolled into town and tried to find the restaurant we were going to meet in. She called to check on me and that she would be there in a couple of minutes.

True to her word, she arrived a few minutes after me - looking all glorious and beautiful, full of smiles and happy to see me.

As she hugged me in greeting, something happened that didn’t really strike me until we parted. Looking back, it took a few minutes to happen, right after our breakfast was ordered and coffee poured and we settled in to talk.

The whole world disappeared. I mean it, the whole fucking world – the traffic, the people, the restaurant, the noise, the concerns, the stresses, the distractions – all felt like they had totally disappeared. The whole damn load I was carrying was gone. Everything was gone, save for the two of us!

We talked, joked, laughed, and whispered for hours. Family, friends, careers, politics, philosophy, religion, history, art, education, business, child rearing, music (Danny Federici – God rest your soul), blogging, friendship, love, sex, erotica were all subjects that came rolling out. Nothing else seemed to matter around us – just each others company. It felt like we were the only two people in the world. I barely remember the drive away from the restaurant after awhile or the return – just each others company.

The hours rolled by as if they were minutes. I couldn’t remember when the last time I was that at ease, that comfortable, that in the moment. All day was just not enough time together – but that was all we had – our adult responsibilities had to be attended to.

I thought parting would be difficult, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t difficult because it wasn’t a parting – it was a pause. Life had to intrude again, had to take precedence, as it always does, and we understood that, accepted it. The parting wasn’t the Bard’s ‘sweet sorrow’ – just the opportunity for another happy reunion in the future.

I drove off, feeling better than I had in a long time – a smile on my face, a lightened mood, a new perspective. I noticed how beautiful the day was, and how fantastic the way this day was spent.

I had gone through a threshold, and closing the door behind me. Now I was looking forward to what was in front of me and I can’t thank her enough for helping me see that.

I pulled back into the ‘hood and drove around. Good memories started pouring in and I turned on the radio. The man on the radio was singing:

'We can pretend that we're old friends
wouldn't be so hard to believe
And wouldn't you like
to waste a little time on me?'

…and I remembered what she told me,

“If she could only see you through my eyes”